So close, yet so far...

Well, I broke up with my flying instructor the other day. It really sucked but it had to be done. There have been a couple times flying with Stick when I didn’t feel entirely safe, and for some strange reason I haven’t been able to get over it.

A few months ago we nearly had an accident in the plane while Stick was at the controls. It was a pure unanticipated error in judgment on his part and it was completely frightening. We could have been killed. It shook me to my core.

I worked hard to get over it. I went flying the next week, and the next. Every time I approached the plane with the utter certainty that it could be my last flight and I talked myself through the checklists, got my game on, and went flying anyway. It was an effort, but I sucked it up and did it because that’s the only way to get over the fear.

I was doing pretty well, getting my confidence back, and we were out a couple weeks ago to practice for my checkride. We did a practice power failure (a standard training maneuver) and identified a nearby park as the emergency landing site. It was the most viable site around. I lined up the plane for the landing and we got down below the treetops before adding full power and going around. We were pretty low – I was looking down at people looking up at me and I could see their faces. If I had to do it again I’d have stopped descending and gone around sooner.

But here’s the thing, why were we doing a practice emergency landing over a busy city park to begin with? The whole point of the training maneuver is to get comfortable with the idea that if necessary you can land the plane somewhere that isn’t an airport. Usually we’ll pull power over a farm or a field to practice – but over a city park? And why did we get so low when it was pretty obvious that there were a bunch of people out and about?

Funny, but after that lesson I didn’t feel all that good about flying. At first I thought I was having self-confidence issues. Then I realized that I was having trust issues. After that first brush with mortality I don’t trust Stick to keep me safe. I love the guy, but right now I just don't feel good flying with him.

This is a really huge bummer. I am so close to having my pilot’s license. I’d even scheduled my checkride. But as the date got closer, I got more and more freaked-out. I was not looking forward to my lessons, not comfortable flying the plane, and definitely not feeling all that self-confident. So I cancelled the checkride and haven’t rescheduled it.

Here’s the thing – I’m pretty sure that I could take my checkride and pass it next week. But if I don’t feel confident flying the plane, and if I don’t feel confident as a pilot then that pilot’s license doesn’t mean a damn thing. Given how I feel about flying with Stick right now, there's no way that he can prepare me for the checkride and give me the confidence I need to be a pilot.

I’m going to take a little break from flying. Then I’m going to find another instructor, another plane, and move on.